end of the year salti crax……

Great that Summer has shown her face for more than 3 days. Another stunning sunny day.

So horray (I hate the word hurrah), for warm weather and the promise of lazy days in the pool, sundowners, sunburn and cheerful dispositions. and of course work in between.

Jingle bell rock, the smell of pine shedding on my new carpet (well, newish), the promise of a holiday for two weeks away from the same mundane-ness. I love everyone around me, but it’s great to have a break. To just re-group, chill and smell the sea. Those of you that live close to the sea, probably don’t realise the healing properties of the sea, I suppose just as I don’t realise the full healing properties of wide open spaces, our view of the valleys and mountains in the distance, of thorn trees and aloes, of blesbuck and Cape Vultures.

I’ve stagnated a bit on the Christmas present front and need to get my backside into gear.

One of my mom’s friends, adult children have discovered that their child is cerebral palsy. My mom is now the expert and is telling me what she told the friend about all the stages  I went through. You know, when you discover the cerebral palsy thaannnng. Well, I must say, I never knew I went through all those stages. If you detect an underlining undercurrent of annoyance, yes, you’d be correct! It’s still a raw emotional thing for us and remembering that time in the black whole of Calcutta (do you remember Auburn Alice?) is sort of stepping over private unchartered territory. surmising and bringing it up may result in a snapping puffadder. (that’s assuming puffadders could snap)

Although I didn’t snap, I courteously ended the phone call and moved on.

One month until I’m on holiday.

Yay for me!

 

Hold thumbs for my Molls xxxx

So today I did a big thing. I put my big girl panties on and went and sussed out a potential school for Molly to go to next year. It’s a school for mentally challenged children. GULP. Even difficult to write, let alone say that out loud. School for the mentally challenged. Not an easy pill to swallow and heartsore at best.

Although, credit where credit is due and I’m handling it very well. So well done to me. Clap clap clap. Pat on the back and all that.

I feel at peace. I got such a good energy from the school, the teachers and the kids. Truth be told… I was impressed.

There are still lots of hurdles for me to jump. Like, taking Molls for Education assessments and Educational psychologists to test her IQ. Gulp. Getting her case reviewed by the Board, being put on a waiting list. and then we fill out an application form and we wait.

Please say a prayer for my little Molls. It’s the school for her. And as her Mommy, I say it’s the school for me too. Just think, a whole school of little Molly’s, a whole school of parents that will give me knowing understanding looks. Bliss, I tell you. and very comforting.

Holding thumbs. You must to.

A letter to friends…

Dear Friends of a Mom whose daughter is not like your own,

Please don’t undermine or disrespect my daughter. And above all don’t disregard her. You have to watch what you say, because sometimes you can come across as tactless. Well, not all of you, rather one or two out of twenty. I know it’s annoying having to sometimes walk on eggshells when I’m in a sensitive mode, but quiet frankly, it’s not nearly as bad as the daily shite I have to put up with, so grow a pair!

Please don’t feign politeness or concern. I don’t care if you don’t mention my child. I don’t always care about your child either. I’d rather have no concern than tactless insincerity. All it does is annoy me and I seethe and imagine witty retorts I should or could have said when lying in the bath at night.

Please ask questions if you feel like asking questions. Your interest in my child is welcome.

Again, please don’t disregard my child. Ever. It’s so rude and disrespectful.

And above all, please treat my little precious girl with kindness. She reacts well to kindness and you may get treated to a glimpse of the awesome person that she is.

Thanks to most of you that handle this with aplomb and grace,

To the other 10%, come on, you can do better!

with fondest love

countesskaz

xxx

The eviction……..

Today a bad thing happened. I knew it might, but I had to chance it as only a mother would. I had to give my little girl the chance to take part and enjoy a musical show. So there we sat and she shrieked a few times and made a few guttural sounds with excitement.First song, second song, snickering and turned heads from the other kids to see where the noise was coming from, and then there she was, the female teacher from the Drakensberg Boys Choir, asking me if I could take my child out? Now, before you get all huffy about this, let me make something clear. She said it very nicely and kindly. But it hurt. It still hurt me and I felt humiliated for my Molly and for myself.

I knew she might be noisy, but as a mother I had to expose her to the music. You see it’s all to easy to keep her away from everybody, it’s easier for me. But what about Molly? But I know now, that she can’t do everything other kids do. There are limitations. I discovered that today. It was a lesson I had to go through as her mother. I had to give her a chance too.

Fortunately Seko, Molly’s nanny, and I had discussed a game plan if this did happen and so I looked at Seko, who nodded her head in understanding, and off she toddled with Molls down the stairs. I sat there, childless, a friend who’d joined me earlier had witnessed the expulsion of my noisy cerebral palsy child, promptly burst into tears. Now, I don’t know why, but it FKED me off completely. Who is she to pity my child? How dare she make me feel worse by crying tears of pity? So there I sat, humiliated, feeling bad at Melanie crying next to me, feeling bad for the woman who had the bad luck at having to turf Molly out, angry at God for making me feel like this, angry at Molly for putting me through this, and I sat with bottom lip quivering and eyes welling up with tears. I physically restrained myself from crying, smiled and clapped like mad and enthusiastically at the performance.

You see if I’d cried, everyone around me would have felt bad and it would have been everyone’s day spoiled. Not just mine. So God knows where I drew the strength from. I forced my down-turned lips upwards, concentrated on the performance on stage and by sheer will and determination behaved normally.

Truth be told, I love my child. Molly is my daily blessing. God chose well by making me her mother. I’m strong and I have a sizable pair of balls.  But phew, it’s hard sometimes. It’s hardest to smile at everyone around you while your heart is weeping silently in your chest.

I’m tired now.

The week of the ortho’s………

So  we are  doing the whole Cerebral Palsy thing for the week. The fortunate thing about being stuck on a farm is that our support group is really strong. Our community embraces Molly with open arms. It takes a village and all that……

But heading into the unknown… heading into the city where people are more ruthless and relentless with scorn and pity is scary. I’ve had to take an Espiride today and I took one last night. For the calm, you know?

We forget she’s Cerebral Palsy most of the time. Coz she does everything that we do and she neeks aan with life. But the difference is palpable around people who aren’t used to her sticking her tongue out and licking and sucking her fingers and open hands. A phase? We don’t know but she does it and it keeps her happy and quiet.

The sounds Molly makes are quiet diverse and can go from high-pitched screams of excitement, moaning and guttural noises when she’s annoyed. We know what they mean. I suppose for someone who doesn’t know, it’s very confusing and embarrassing because they don’t know how to react. So John and I over compensate with happy, high-pitched chattering which is EXHAUSTING.

I am so looking forward to the orthotics, but most of all the orthopaedic tackies. She needs them so badly. All in all, this is a good week. Something good to come out of it and quality time with my family. Even though, John and I are stressed out and treating each other with ill-disguised irritation.  It will all work out in the end.

Thanks for writing………..

Even though I’m trying to act nonchalantly, I was completely flattered by my favourite blogger
http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/
 mentioning me in her blog post today. Why? ‘coz she’s a cool blogger. She makes me laugh. I think I pee-ed in my pants once from laughing. She pisses me off too sometimes. But that’s a story for another day and it’s only happened once and was shortlived.
http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2012/07/16/no-seriously-what-the-hell-is-in-pritt/
 That’s good, I promise you. It’s not great to feel indifferent to someone. Reactions are AWESOME, ‘coz it means you’re ALIVE and kicking. My biggest fear is for someone to find me boring, the Mayor of Dullsville in the County of Predictability.

So I’ll include the Logo Award in my blog post:

and then I’ll mention 7 Random things about myself:

1. For the first time in my life, my weight is starting to dictate my actions. It’s making me feel insecure and I hate feeling like that and I want to STOP feeling like that.
2. I want another baby so badly. Another 2-3 babies. But I’m frightened ‘coz of Molls being cerebral palsy.
3. I dislike rude people that have no manners and behave arrogantly. I want to punch them in the mouth, so their lip swells and blood trickles down their chin. Fckers!
4. I’m creative. I love art and being around people that make me see things in a different way. People that make me think and stimulate me intellectually.
5. This blog is a means of practising writing in preparation for the book I’m going to write one day. A story about the life and times of Nonkoliseko Yabo, my Molls’ fabulous and bossy nanny. A truly remarkable woman. I can’t recall any book that documents the history or life of a Xhosa woman growing up in the rural Eastern Cape in the fifties and sixties.
6. I love laughing.

So, my favourite bloggers I’m nominating are:

• 
  http://charliesbird.wordpress.com/
  
• 
  http://natalienortonblog.com/
  
• 
  http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com
   (I know she’s been nominated, but I’ll nominate her again if I want too. Whose going to stop me? The Blog Police?)
• juggelingactoflife.blogspot.com/
• 
  http://www.livinglionheart.co.za/
   

Love

The wry and brilliant Countess Kaz (copied and pasted from The Reluctant Mom’s blog.) Sorry, but had to slip that in somewhere.

There, but by the Grace of God, go I.

Being the mother of a cerebral palsy child, I could not help but be moved and touched by that incredible girl on Carte Blanche last night. I gulped, and pinched myself and refused to cry at her determination. I did not want to cry from pity or empathy but rather at the beauty of her and the living of her life and how she lives her life.

 So wonderful and so humbling for me. I was humbled to my core. I was humbled to tears of gratefulness, I guess too. Grateful that a child can succeed and make a difference and create awareness for disabled children. Give, me hope for my Molly. Michaela Mycroft on being inteviewed said:” ‘There is a song by Nickleback, you have got to get the music in there… And it says, ‘What is worth the prize is worth the fight.’ And I believe that the prize of inclusion is definitely worth the fight.”

 At the end of the day, this could happen to anyone. How does the old adage go? “There, but by the Grace of God go I.”

let me say that again: ‘ There, but by the Grace of God, go I.”

Michaela Mycroft, I salute you my girl, it is an honour to have watched you and all your achievements. I think you’re wonderful.

http://beta.mnet.co.za/carteblanche/Article.aspx?Id=4575&ShowId=1

My two beautiful children xxxxxx

Today I feel like reflecting on my many blessings:

• Thank you God for my little boy. So filled with wonder for the world. He received such an EXCELLENT report this last term. So filled with humour even when someone annoys him and trys to knock him down. So filled with excitement and enthusiasm for each day and each new thing he discovers. So gentle and kind with his sister. So caring for Molly and helping her down stairs or berating me if I forget something. God CHOSE him to be Molly’s brother. That’s a VERY special job.
• And my little precious girl, Molly. Dad and I have learnt, especially on Friday, that you need protection from the venomous people of this world. The toxic people who don’t have your best interests at heart. Toxicity comes in many forms, disguised and spewing from people’s selfish mouths. We WILL protect you and we WILL cut dead any baggage that pulls us down. We don’t need ignorant people in our lives. You and Aidan are our first priority.

So thank you God, for my two beautiful children. Our two most precious people who John and I will protect with our all our heart and soul.

 

Miss Molly….

Been a busy week. Yesterday was Molly’s birthday. She turned 6. This was the first time she acknowledged that it was her birthday and basked in the enjoyment of it all. My sister’s phoned and left messages. Not one of John’s sisters phoned to wish her a Happy Birthday. I despair of that family. Truly I do. But that’s another story and another post.

I’m a bit of a Prima Donna for my kids birthdays. I make a big, HUGE deal out of their birthdays. You don’t need to speak to my kids, just email or leave a message, but  just think about them on that day.

Molls is my non-conformist. Every family has them. She is a stubborn billy. You can smack her, shout at her, moer her  black and blue but she will NOT do anything if she doesn’t want to. (Please don’t get hysterical…it’s just an analogy, I do NOT beat my kids black and blue). I’m tempted sometimes, but manage to restrain myself. Her bottom lip does quiver if John reprimands her sternly. Molls gets treated normally in our house. There are no special favours for her. If we go up the beach, we tag her along. If we go skiing on the boat, she gets tagged along, if we go for a game drive she gets tagged along, and so forth and so forth. She may walk slower than the others, but she gets there in the end. And she loves every minute of it. She loves being around people. Molls loves water and she loves music and she loves horses. Those are her favourite things in the world.

So todays’ blog post is dedicated to her. A little girl who threw our world on it axis  a few years ago. A little girl who forced me to look deeper into the world of physio, speech and facing the world with disabilities. I chose to be a happy mommy. Not a mommy with the world on her shoulders. Molly has forced us to feel emotions to a depth that few can understand. She is a truly remarkable little girl that we love and can never imagine a world without her. She keeps us centred  and rooted and joyful. Joyful in this life that God chose for her and chose for us. It’s not easy. We encounter hectic things everyday, but the joy and love is higher on the Richter scale than the fear and disappointment of it all.

So here’s to you Tinka-Lou, Happy 6th Birthday. Mommy loves every inch of you and stay the happy, giggly, complicated monkey that you are!

Smile and wave………..

I’m trying really hard to be someone that uplifts others. Everyday I try. Really hard. I bite my tongue very often. If I retaliate, you must know, that you have pissed me off once too often.

It’s so easy to knock someone down to size or put them in their place or give them the correct answer, when you know they’re lying or speaking utter bollocks. So for the moment I nod and agree but inside I’m thinking: ” what an utter doos.” or “what an utter prat” or “you lying cow, that’s not what you said to me last month!”. I’ve decided that I’ll work on this mind control of negative thoughts later. For the moment, I have to deal with the everyday bulldust that people spew constantly from their mouths.

When you lie…do you think people actually believe you? Seriously? Come on now….No-one does. We all nod and agree, but inside we’re thinking:’What a tosser!”

But for the most part, people tell the truth. sometimes too much. For example when sharing with a dear friend that I was thinking of having a third, she replied” Yes, even though you have more chance of having a child with abnormalities, you must still do it.”

Really? You have the balls to say something like that to my face? Really?

Who would be so stupid. It’s just that sometimes people are a little insecure and want to be seen as knowledgeable, so they sprout-forth “pearlers” of wisdom! When in fact, the real truth, I retorted is that, since we’ve had Molly genetically tested we have less chance than most people.

It’s too late now…coz they’ve sown the little seed of doubt in my mind. It’s schmokkling with my brain now.

Oi, people make me tired jong. I’m weary from them all. Some people are not unlike the ‘Death Eaters’ in Harry Potter novels. Or the “Omoebe’s” in Bridget Jones’ novel. Sucking the life out of me.

I think I must go back to my lady in the city and have another brush up 1 hour chat session, to refresh me on my coping mechanisms.

To remind me to smile and wave….