A letter to friends…

Dear Friends of a Mom whose daughter is not like your own,

Please don’t undermine or disrespect my daughter. And above all don’t disregard her. You have to watch what you say, because sometimes you can come across as tactless. Well, not all of you, rather one or two out of twenty. I know it’s annoying having to sometimes walk on eggshells when I’m in a sensitive mode, but quiet frankly, it’s not nearly as bad as the daily shite I have to put up with, so grow a pair!

Please don’t feign politeness or concern. I don’t care if you don’t mention my child. I don’t always care about your child either. I’d rather have no concern than tactless insincerity. All it does is annoy me and I seethe and imagine witty retorts I should or could have said when lying in the bath at night.

Please ask questions if you feel like asking questions. Your interest in my child is welcome.

Again, please don’t disregard my child. Ever. It’s so rude and disrespectful.

And above all, please treat my little precious girl with kindness. She reacts well to kindness and you may get treated to a glimpse of the awesome person that she is.

Thanks to most of you that handle this with aplomb and grace,

To the other 10%, come on, you can do better!

with fondest love

countesskaz

xxx

The fat circle of friends………

Don’t you hate those friends that want you fat? They love you being fat to make them feel better about themselves.

ENOUGH! ENOUGH NOW!

I will no longer be:

•  the one that eats cake to make you feel less guilty about the second slice of cake you’re tucking into.
• the friend with fat legs that makes you feel thinner
• the one to moan to about breaking the diet

I will be:

• watching what I eat
• dress as if I’m all that and more…
• unavailable for snacks and binges

Now, fk off and let me starve in peace…

Favourite………….

I’ve hit a brick wall today with blog post content. So here goes:

Favourite:

food: vegies (and chocolate)

 fruit: cling peaches

fish: rock cod and trout and salmon

meat: rump steak, ooooooooh and gammon

meal: fish and salad or local steak and salad

celeb person: no-one, I don’t believe in that shite

happiest moment today: A bloggy friend has had excellent news with regards to her fertility treatment. HOLDING THUMBS C.B.!!!!!

biggest ball ache of  today: I have to catch up on our books/VAT (fkkkkkkk!!)

most annoying moment: when John slurped his coffee this morning

favourite love: John, that boy still makes me laugh after 20 years, since 5 Aug 1992 to be exact, when we were a mere 19yrs of age.

looking forward to: this awesome cooking course, myself and 9 other girlfriends are going to this weekend at a Corden Bleu cooking school. so excited. oh yes and the trout fishing ladies festival in September…….whoo hoo.(MY COOKING MOJO IS BACK!!)

hope your eyes didn’t glaze over……….

laters baby…..

 

 

 

 

The one about the bitches in boarding school…..

Don’t you hate it when someone gives you an indirectly cold shoulder? You know you’ve done something and you can’t think what?

It’s funny in some way and it takes me back to boarding school days. You know when you’re in std 7 and you and your BFF have a tiff. Then she very pointedly takes her plate of food, with nose in the air, and sits with someone you don’t really like. No words spoken, but battle lines have been drawn. Then it’s the quickest to get everybody to takes sides. The winner is the one who has drawn more people to her side. eg more people hanging around her laughing at her stories and jokes while the other is hopefully, sitting on their own, minus friends.

 That’s a sign of a true victory. You happy and surrounded by friends and the estranged BFF cowering on her own with feigned indifference. Kids, especially teenagers, can be cruel. I must say the older we got, the less those kind of things happened. We sort of settled into a good rhythm in std 8, 9 and matric.

For me hostel was lovely. You always had friends to talk to. I remember going to the loo in matric at 2am one night, and there sat 3 girls curled up on the novilon in the bathroom, bitching about their lives. ‘coz, you know, you’re fked up when you’re in your teens. So I remember sitting down and and joining the conversation. And we shared problems that night and solutions and heavy stuff. Hurtful, painful and deep things. You’re thrown in with a bunch of girls, mostly from good, stable families, in the same boat as you. Hormones coursing through your veins. Same controversial, rebellious outlook on life.

I think that’s why I have such sympathy for teenagers. It’s an awesome yet also crappy time in your life. Your whole life feels off kilter.

All those things you read in Spud are true. The pecking order in the dormitory. The nerdy, gross person osterisized. The bully’s leading and laying down the law. Spud being teased and crying. I feel a bit like Spud. (a girl Spud) ‘coz I wasn’t nerdy and I wasn’t rebellious. And my folks drove an old clapped Opel Kadett. (at the time I didn’t care though). I was a middle of the road child, LOVED English, loved reading. So I love the Spud books, takes me back, to those days.

Did you know that the 4th Spud is being released soon, In August I think?

I’m quiet excited. You see, they make me laugh. And as you know, I LOVE LAUGHING.

laters baby…..

Suzy Skinerbek………….

Seriously, John is SO annoying and that is why I need my girlfriends to sit and bitch to. I tried to moan to him about last night and have a bit of a skiner(gossip) and he gets all quiet and disapproving. SO annoying. A girl would um and ah and nod at all the right places in the conversation. My friends wouldn’t judge at all and would understand that it’s anger of the moment and would think NOTHING of me speaking to the alleged person, as if nothing was wrong. Yes, you may say it’s too faced. I just say it’s a vent and a rant and rave about a particular incident.

If you live on a farm and get thrown constantly with a mixed bunch of women and don’t ever get annoyed, then you must be brain-dead. The worst is when someone arrives at a function in a bad mood. It filters through to the rest of us and really causes shite.

People sometimes drain me. And when John doesn’t want to be my “cat scratching post”, well then SHAME ON HIM! 

The cheek of it….

 

 

A Valentines story to blow your hair back……

There’s a certain friend of mine from London that loves telling a certain story when she’s a bit “tight” and when she nips over for a visit.

 ”Tight” is a term we often use in these parts when describing a feeling one feels when one is slightly pickled. For example: ‘I’m feeling a bit tight” roughly translates to; “I’ve had too many Savannaha’s and I’m feeling tipsy.” Although “tight” is more inebriated than “tipsy”. It’s hardly proper for a farmer’s wife to say; “I’m feeling pissed.” or worse, “I’m drunk as a skunk!”. Not done and most inappropriate.

So back to the story at hand. The story begins with her telling us how she swallowed for ten years. How her husband never said a word. Then one day her mad friend revealed the truth whilst comparing um… stories. She dropped the bombshell and said:” But you don’t have to swallow”. Friend in question blew her top and confronted her husband, who hung his head in shame and embarrassment that he’d never told her and that he was caught out.

This story is a huge hit. We never get tired of hearing it. It’s ESPECIALLY funny when hearing it “tight”.

Happy Valentines Day……..

Less pressure on me…

jana tog, I’m so annoyed in the framing room at the moment. I have a spec to do that’s due today and it’s quiet a finicky job. It’s 15 medals on velvet in a box frame without mount board. Velvet slips and is thick so if you are a mm out, you’re screwed. It’s one of those pain in the ass jobs, that gives you grey hairs during the process and ends with GREAT job satisfaction. The customer is the sweetest lady EVER and so I want to do it really well. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUck it………………….

I have so much to do today and still have to slot in a ladies lunch that no-one really wants to go to. Fake festive cheer and seeing the same faces agaaaaaaaaaaain. It will be the third or fourth time this week. It’s an annual Christmas ladies lunch that everyone drags their feet to go to and everyone enjoys in the end! Isn’t that always the case?

But this time of the year is really dodgy. Next year I have to make some important decisions to expand my business. The potential is there. It’s the lack of  skilled people in a rural area that’s the problem. And, yes, I can train someone. But ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, what a pain in the ass. Anyway, I’ll cross that bridge next year.

My heavy commitments are winding down and I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. Still have stacks to do before we leave but feel less pressurised. Nice feeling I tell ya!

Full frontal beavers, quivering thighs and other stories…

I have an awesome friend. Nothing phases her. (except maybe her husband working too much and family interference). She’s not scared of laughing at herself and of keeping us enthralled with her stories. In fact the more glasses of wine you have the funnier they are and the more she tries to top the last funny story.

Saturday night she told us about her trip to iShaka, Durban. She hadn’t had time to wax her beaver. After being dared by her brother-in-law she decided to do some “plunging slippery sliding ride”. Except it was the high one. The very highest ride in the park. So off she went and down, down, down and hit the water with force. She said when she stood up she had a wedgy in the front and the back. Full frontal “beave” for all the world to see. All told to us in a dry, deadpan tone. It makes the story funnier.

And also the time she and a friend went to a U2 concert in London. Her boyfriend and his friend had flown over for a holiday. My  friend was suffering from a grand dose of the Heathrow Injection. (rapid weight gain upon entering the United Kingdom, due to excessive drinking and late night ‘shish kebabs). Anyway….at the concert she decided to climb on her boyfriends shoulders to party up there. Boyfriend hunches down and she climbs on, boyfriend battles to get into standing position (embarrassing and thigh strength in question now.) Eventually after standing and weaving unsteadily  the boyfriend collapsed on his knees in a heap. So funny…

I love to laugh.., to laugh at…, to be laughed at…not so much. It’s friends like these that make my day. And stories like these that keep me giggling when I drive. I have a warped sense of humour. But I love laughing.. so bring it on.

 

Fabulous Friends………

Lets share….

Today someone asked me my age. When I told her 38 she appeared shocked. Why I asked? I thought you were closer to 32!

KA-CHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Thanks for coming……………………….I now pronounce you my bestest friend ever. How divine was my morning?

Still didn’t lose weight today. Been the same for 4 months. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I’m fat but I look 6 years younger than I really am! 6 YEARS I tell you…….

Now, I have 4 Josh Groban tickets. It means this: finding three friends to go with.

Travel 3 hours there, spend the evening and travel back the next day for 3 hours. It sounds simple but it’s not. I have a vast array of friends. All different. For some the thought of spending the evening listening to Josh Groban leaves them cold. Ice cold.

Others  would kill to be invited on this trip and see him. Unfortunately you would have to kill me first to spend 24 hours on a trot with them. Love them. Don’t want to spend so much time with them. (So sue me?)

You know what it’s like with friends. Some are handy to chat to once a week and go and have a quick cup of coffee with. Others are intense and dismal, but they’re your mate so you put up with it. Others can’t be arsed with certain things. It goes on and on. Farming community. Shoved together and forced to get on.

So that’s this weeks dilemma. I love dilemma’s. I worry if I don’t have anything to worry about. I revel in it all.

will keep you posted on the “awesome foursome Trip”.

bloody blazing blackberry’s………….

Yesterday I wanted a Blackberry until about 7pm. Went to a meeting last night. Men in the meeting room. The other woman and I sitting with the kids in the bar area. guaranteed we’d spoken a few times in the day, so we didn’t have too much news.

We’re good friends so we don’t feel the need to make idle small talk. BUT PEOPLE, IT’s RUDE!!!! IT”S RUDE TO SIT ON YOUR BLACKBERRY IN COMPANY. Let me repeat that if you didn’t get it the first time. It’s rude to sit on your Blackberry in company. It REALLY, really, really  is.

In fact it’s exasperating when someone is smiling whilst typing or reading a private conversation on their Blackberry. It makes me feel left out and me being an inquisitive person…cracks me, that I don’t know what’s going on!

But really it’s rude. And…..I don’t want to be someone who sits on a bloody cellphone all the time. So now I’m not going to get one on principle. It’s so….ordinary. I hate being the second or third person to do something. I like to be the first.

No….seriously…I have a problem with you fiddling on your cellphone when you’re supposed to be talking to me! I’m that arrogant to want to make it all about me……