Friendship is a circle in a never ending spiral

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It seems that I reached a milestone on Friday. Sitting at a friends moms’ funeral. The said friend and I haven’t been close in many years. There’s always  been an underlying unspoken issue. In  all honesty I never knew what it was. But on Friday morning I think I sort of understood. When  we were 19, I went on to study and she went to work. We both made new lives and new friends. I had a jol and she worked 8-5. That’s when the divide started. Resentment on her part. It’s always confused me.

I’m not innocent. That’s what hit me. I became snobbish… and while I sat there the realisation hit me and I felt ashamed. Its tough looking back at mistakes you’ve made and it shamed me.

But that’s life. Friends come and go. The older you get, the more precious your friends. The fewer the friends and more precious.

For me, I find letting go of friends the most difficult. When you lose that mutual connection and you’ve moved on and they’ve moved on. I really battle to understand and accept that.

Many women go through life without the need for friends but for me it’s one of the things that drive me. Female company. I love it and need it. I think it comes from having sisters and lots of female cousins.

There are no more complicated friendships than school friendships. Breaking that role you played or how people perceived you. I’m still working out that one.

The older I get, the more I realise how flipping complicated I am. ‘Struth!

 

May musings

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I’m back. Well just for today I reckon.

Blogging was part of my life for a while and lately I don’t feel the need to write and express myself as much.

Things are going well-ish. You know how it is.

Its May already. Yesterday John and I went for a walk up one of the mountains on the farm, to a cave he played in when he was a boy. Once I’d overcome my fear of being bitten by a puffadder I began to enjoy it. Fortunately the puffies are starting to go into hibernation and are fat and lazy. Well…..that’s what John said anyway(insert winking smiley face here).

We saw the most awesome indigenous trees and vegetation. One can travel far and wide but you’ll never beat true Eastern Cape vegetation. I just adore it. oh…and the view up there….so gorgeous. The light in Autumn is always so orangey and warm. Its completely different to the light in Winter and Summer. Love all the aloes,thorn trees and Cabbage trees and so on.

We have many stone cattle kraals on the farm from the 1800’s. So we explored one of those. So overgrown with bush and trees. I’m looking for a special stone I can sharpen my kitchen knives on.

So many exciting things going on this year. More about that later.

Wish me luck for exams next week. I’m on the final pull now. Uuuuuughhhhh.

laters

Missing my little chap

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So here I sit. It’s 5 past 11 at night and I received a what’sup message from Aidan’s hostel mom:

“Aidan felt faint and said he had a headache, gave him some Panado and put him to bed. It was very hot today, nothing serious, just letting you know.”

I phoned her about an half hour later, once I’d read the message. All was well she said and she’d check up on him later.

Half an hour later:”Aidan fast asleep”.

But I’m not. I sit here worried about my boy and ugly irrational thoughts fly through my brain.

So here’s to a night of sleeplessness, with my cellphone on my bedside table, close to me.

Here’s one of the downsides to having my boy at hostel. When he’s sick he should be near his mom.

Sleep tight

A fatty’s maiden voyage…

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So 8 weeks ago I joined the gym. and its going well. I follow all these inspirational fatties on Instagram and ooh and aah at photographs of their meals, their before pictures and their after pictures. When they talk about planking and burpies and abs and bicep curls and tricep kick-backs and squats….I so get it now.

I’m still a fatty. But I’m a healthier fatty. I have better balance. I have a better sense of control when eating BAD food. ‘Coz I just think…girl, you worked your ass off this morning and eating that will cancel it ALL OUT!

The diet plan is dodgy as hell. I’m trying and planning and failing. oh Well…I started it again this morning.

Losing weight is not easy. Its damn near impossible for a girl my size. It’s like trying to turn the QE II with a 5o HP outboard motor and a pair of oars. But it CAN be done. It can be great fun doing it. This whole gym lark is addictive. I love it. Giving up my chocolates….not so much.

Also, I know I’m losing weight coz one of my friends looked me up and down the other day and never said a word. All it did was make me more determined.

I tried on a pair of summer pants the other day and I’d dropped a size. I can’t recall that EVER happening to me. and lately people have stopped me and told me, it looks like I’ve lost weight.

who doesn’t love that?

7 facts about me…..

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Thanks to http://charliesbird.wordpress.com/2014/06/27/an-award/ for this award.

We drove to Natal for the weekend to visit family and it gave me ample time to think of  7 facts about myself . But, what I was going to write on Friday has changed somewhat.

7 Facts about me.

  1. I want to write one day
  2. I swear too much.
  3. I wish I had more children.
  4. I wish I had a house in town with an unlimited budget where I could decorate it as I pleased without John’s interference. Just a personal space for me. With no kids, no husband, no pets allowed. My space. Books lying everywhere. Smoked salmon in the fridge. Chocolates in cupboards. Surround sound music. Awesome pool loungers.
  5. Loyality is everything to me. I’m fiercely loyal to those I love.
  6. The older I get, the less friends I have, yet the more sincere the friends I have, are.
  7. I’m opinionated and love to give advice

A letter to my dear friend,

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Dear N,

it all seems confusing now. You can’t even imagine ever feeling happy and relaxed again. But, I promise you it gets better. It takes years but you start believing in good again.

 

In a while, it may be a long while,  you will see that this painful part of your life will also be the making of who you are. This depth of pain will also afford you the same depth in appreciation and joy.

Let me explain. While others around you see things simply . Your pain which has stripped you of naively taking things for granted, will have sharpened your senses, heightened your sense of  appreciation.  I use this word appreciation over and over again. You will appreciate everything that others around you take for granted. You see, you have stared ugliness in the face. You have faced death head on. You have had pain and despair choking you as their hands tightened their grip around your throat.

It’s when you realize that you have been handed the greatest gift of all, which is appreciation, when you begin the long journey to healing. You will never be completely healed, for a part of you has been damaged. Damages are not necessary bad. Damage can provide clarity and visual sight that no one else can see. Only those that have seen inside Pandora’s box, have been given the gift of sight.

 

So I pray a speedy recovery for your little girl. I pray for healing for your bruised heart.

I pray for laughter to bubble out of you. I pray for you to be doubled up in mirth at something funny, to be able to watch a sunset and not worry what tomorrow will bring.

This I pray for you.

love

Countesskaz

life as it happens..

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It’s been a while since written anything on my blog. I’ve been out living life and well… not really needing the venting vehicle of blogging.

In the past few months I’ve written 5 exams through UNISA which I’ve absolutely adored. I’ve enjoyed the mental stimulation and the slow cranking of cogs in my brain. Very rusty cogs I might add. But so much fun, so much added pressure and so much fulfilment. I might, I haven’t decided yet, do a few more in the second semester. I have until the 17th July to decide.

Also keeping me busy, is my little Molls, who has blossomed lately into a rather bossy little girl. She has become very assertive and communicating exactly what she wants from us. All of this done with the exclusion of words, which at times frustrates her no end when we don’t quite get what she means or wants. We ask questions and point and eventually we arrive at a solution. I’m enjoying this new phase of her life and find it more rewarding as her mom.

Aidan has kept us very busy with rugby and hockey matches. Oh, and the odd piano recital. I get such a kick when I say that phrase; piano recital. Lyska, can you picture it? hee hee. He asked me for R30 for his Eisteddford entry fee. I was tickled pink.

I do have to remind Aidan constantly that school is for learning too and not just for sport. There are so many “braggy” stories I could relate about Aidan but…I’m not that kind of mom. and well….I have to move on now or else I’ll succumb to the “boasting bug”.

I’ve just done a gel French manicure on my hands. Its hardy and my hands look fabulous. I framed the whole day yesterday and not a chip or scuff on my nails. Well worth the R160 and half an hour of my time. Sister, I will be back.

So many personal things have happened in the last few months. Some good and some painful. Like watching my dear friends go through the pain of watching their daughter have chemo for her cancer.

The painful celebration of her first birthday that was bittersweet. I cried 3 times on her birthday. I understood the pain of having to celebrate a child’s birthday but on so many other levels feeling sad too. The sadness stemming from what could have been, or what should be. Birthdays with Molly are often nostalgic and sad for me. So I totally got the mixed emotions of her 1st birthday. They (my friends) wisely celebrated the next day after being discharged from hospital and celebrated without the added pressure of chemo.

Little E has provided such a benchmark in my everyday life. If I suffer I then ask myself, “are you suffering like little E?”. Something bad happens and I ask myself the same question.

There is so much ugliness in this World I sometimes battle to grasp it all. But the truth is….it will always be there. It will never go away and there is always someone , somewhere seeing more REAL ugliness than you.

and I guess that’s the battle. The true sign of strength. The true sign of a winner. Is the person that sees goodness despite all the bad. Despite things going wrong.

The battle of getting up in the morning and seeing something positive. Making someone smile. Talking politely to someone that may or may not deserve respect. Seeing goodness and appreciating what we have.

Appreciating what we have.

I went to the loo in the middle of the night last week, you know….the night it was freezing in the Eastern Cape, Thursday night I think,  and I remember jumping into bed and snuggling under my down duvet with my electric blanket and thinking, I’m so blessed to be in a warm bed, next to a sexy man, in a warm house. Imagine being out in the cold without warmth and shelter?

Happy Wednesday all. I have Bookclub today and have a lovely day planned.