The bruising of hearts…..


A friend of mine has come out the closet to his wife and now wants to divorce her. The trouble is, is that they have two beautiful kids. I say the trouble is, because life as those two precious little kids know it, is shattered and will never be the same again.

Divorce which ever way you look at it has casualties. Most often the kids. It’s necessary sometimes to divorce if the spouse is constantly cheating on you or the love is no longer there etc. Coz at the end of the day, what message are you sending to the kids?

At what stage of a marriage to a sexy, lovely wife and as a father to two kids, do you think, this is it? It’s time to be real to oneself. To announce to the world that you’re gay and prepared to lose everything for a change in lifestyle?

Do you think it’s fair that he knew all along that he was gay and only chose to mention it once the kids were 8 and 7 years old? No, it isn’t I’m afraid.

The mom is the moer-in, like in, livid, furious, befok with rage at the moment. I don’t blame her. I would be too.

But who knows, down the road they may become best friends again. Bringing up the children with mutual love and understanding. Because, as much as you are important, the date you conceive a child, is the day, you take a step backwards and put those kids first. Always first. Always protecting them. To keep them safe. Coz you know that it’s a bitch out there.

So, I think of the emotional turmoil of that family at the moment. The anger, the confusion, the betrayal, the hurt.

The bruising of hearts. I pray for their healing and calm in their lives.


8 responses »

  1. It’s not fair, of course. But it’s not exclusively his fault if he lived in an environment that expected him to marry a woman and have children. I’m a gay man who was once engaged to be married and it took a tremendous amount of effort to put a stop to the whole thing and come out (both to myself and to the world). It’s a process that involves a lot of turbulence and discord.

    • I’m so glad that you commented on this post, because I really wanted a gay man’s opinion. I think it’s a brave descision that he (and you) made. I do admire that, it’s a pity it took so long (because of his kids). But I do appreciate that he lived in an environment that expected him to marry and have children.

      My brother in law came “out” 12 years ago and a complete shit storm ensued that is still wobbly at times. If you had added kids into that mix, it would have complicated things even further.

      I’m a firm believer that one’s sexual preferences are ones own, but having children complicates things. I mean the complications encompasses both divorce and being gay.
      I have know doubt that they will eventually be good friends again one day once she has recovered from the shock. A woman’s ego can be very fragile, and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and all that..

      • The children thing certainly throws a spanner into the works. I’m guessing he was one of those guys who didn’t even want to admit to himself that he was gay. There’s a lot of pseudo-scientific propaganda out there that says people can change their sexual orientation and that a road to doing it is getting married and having children. If you google ex-gay, you’ll see that’s their recommendation, which I find appalling. I think they’re the ones who are ultimately responsible for creating (or at least creating the right atmosphere for) these train-wreck relationships.

  2. It’s all just sad… for him, to have felt pressured to be married and ‘do the right thing’; for her, the heartache in discovering the sham of it all; and the children who have the disrupted home to contend with and the skinner which will affect them all… there are no winners.

  3. Oh this is tough – tough for all involved. I was engaged years ago to a man who broke it off a few months before the wedding. He one came “out” years later so I did not even have to consolation that it was not “my fault” or however you want to think of it. Tough as it was at the time, today I am truly truly thankful that he did break it off. I may have never met my wonderful hubby I have now.

  4. The same thing happened to some friends of mine although they have one child, not two. At the time it was very hard for all of them but now after four years have passed, they are very good friends and share the parenting of their daughter very successfully. They never let the change in their relationship disrupt their relationship with their daughter and that helped enormously. Having said that, it was a very difficult experience for everyone involved. I wish your friends and their children well.

  5. What a tough situation! I agree that this is going to hurt the children, but for a man especially, ‘Coming out’ is no easy task. My heart breaks for people living in silence and trying so hard to conform to social ‘norms’, as I’ve seen the destruction it can do to a person (anxiety, depression, etc..)
    I co-parent and believe that it can and will work for these people. It takes time, but these children are going to learn a deep, valuable lesson about self awareness, acceptance of others, and most importantly love. Hopefully they will eventually see their parents continue to ‘LOVE’ one another (albeit, in a different way than before..) while being able to see Mom find love again in her own way, and Dad find love in his own way.
    No easy task but with some dedication it can all work out!

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