Monthly Archives: May 2012

The Year of the Gherkin………….


So I’ve just finished reading the Year of the Gherkin by James Dobson.

What can I say about this book? It’s very honest. And probably based on a real character. Who is incidentally a real knobhead. and shallow to boot.

It’s a Bridget Jones’ Diary, South African version. But the main character is a prat who lives in Cape Town. Shallow and up to his eyeballs in debt. It’s written very simply but I think it’s clever in that it portrays a lot of the real South Africa. Hectic too think there are people like that, but there you go….I think a lot of South Africans are filled with a sense of entitlement. Although, I’m generalizing across the board. Have a read. You’ll laugh, I promise.

See picture below:


heeee haaaaa cowgirl………..


So this morning has begun with an argument already. Jeez, I’m exhausted before the day begins. What is that?

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out…..

Today, well actually this morning, I have a free morning to do as I choose. No noose around my neck pulling tighter and tighter if I don’t do my chores.

I choose to frame. Lovely. This last week I pulled in so much work in that I caught a teeny speed wobble. I think it could have been 25 jobs in two days. I have more lined up this week. The thing with framing is, is that one ALWAYS has work. I never look at my work bench and think, phew I’m done here buggers. It’s never happened in the 4 years of owning this little business.

I’m also framing more ‘oils’ which is just my fave. I love framing oils. No glass, no fiddly mount board.

The art gallery is ticking by slowly. I’ve connected with another artist. I’ve possibly sold another two paintings this week. A good chance.

I’m busy with my next event. John’s 40th birthday bash held down in one of our sheds.  A Country and Western theme. Dress up required. So I need to organise my cow-girl outfit. I’ve planned the menu. I want good, hearty Country food. It will be something like this: A table with homemade different breads, farmbutter, cheeses and pots of homemade jams. Hearty beef and Guinness pie with rice(for the farmers) and some steaming veg. And then for puds(we say pudding in our family, not dessert, see earlier posts), Malva Pudding and hot custard.

There are a fair amount of people coming and so need to have food that I can prepare the day before and just heat up. I’m going to have hay bales for seating and some red and white gingham table cloths on the serving tables. With some saddles and cowboy hats (thank you Crazy Store) strewn about to add to the ambience. The bar will be in one corner and will have to organise some sensible barmen and a DJ in the other corner.

The nannies will look after all the monkeys up at the house. I’ll put on some DVD’s and pray my house will stay in one piece. Thembisa can organise Hot dogs and ice-cream for the kids. Very nerve wracking though. I also might have about 20 sleeping over. Will ask neighbours for their house that they use for weekend getaways. So some people will stay with us and a few next door. All sorted. If the weather is too cold we’ll have it up at the house. It’s gets really cold here in the Winter.

Phew, I have writers cramp. Too much sharing for one day, I think….

later biaaaatches……….


Stripping my moer……..


 I only strip my moer about once or maybe even twice a year. It happened this morning. Someone innocently sent a joint email about a function our Farmer’s Association is organising and didn’t eloquently express himself. The result was me looking like an incompetent asshole. Well, I got onto that phone instantly and lambasted him in a calm, firm tone. He apologised most profusely, but I don’t think it’s sunk in at all.

The result: I think he will think twice before he mentions my name in an email again. Tosser.

In life, we are too quick to blame other things instead of taking responsibilty for our actions. Put your big girl panties on and take responsibility…

Read this article if you have time today…. . It makes for an interesting read.

I like to look at the world from another angle. The writer speaks her heart and not her mind. Very refreshing. Honesty is SO refreshing. I crave honesty.

A fat Volksie Bonnet….


Well, since I haven’t written much about The fat diaries in a while, or sat moaning and belting out how fat I am, I thought I would today.

I stood on the scale this morning. After that I heaved myself heavily into the bath. The water rose by an inch or two, I think. I didn’t measure. I gazed down my E’s to my quivering tummy, that incidentally Aidan used to lather with soap when he was younger and use it as a slide, and then I searched. I searched to the left. I searched to the right. Where was my beaver?

and then it hit me…..

I haven’t seen her in years in the bath. My tummy is too big. Even when lying flat. Shame poor thing, in the dark like that.

I stood up. Towel dried and there she was. Like a big fat Volksie Bonnet emerging from a car wash. In the shade of First, Second and Third Stomach. But not too shabby herself, weight wise.

So in conclusion, should you ever have wondered one fine summer’s day, if fanny’s put on weight, then I can tell you unequivocally, that YES, my dear, they do!

A bit of a feathery stroker Blog Post today…..


This morning I received an email from a neighbour. True Christians in mind and spirit and how they live their lives. AND they do live normal lives, I assure you.

Hello John and @#$!&

I hope your trip overseas was FANTASTIC!? 

Thank you so much for the invitation to your 40th (big milestone), but unfortunately ^&*% and I will be away that weekend. 

We want to say, however that we admire you both for your achievements as a family, and you, John, for your achievements as a business family man.

You have reason to be proud; both of you.

@#$ and *()&

Wow, what an awesome start to my morning. Such uplifting, encouraging words from someone out the blue.

So….my point is NOT to brag about the letter and it’s contents but RATHER to encourage us all, me included, to behave more like these two individuals. Honour someone while they’re alive. Give someone a smile. Give someone a sincere honest compliment.

I seem to be belting out a lot about honesty this week.

I crave honesty. Someone may not like it….but BY JOVE, they’ll respect you for it. I’m talking encouraging honesty…and NOT honesty as in: Please pluck your chin hairs, they’re frikkin’ awful, do you have to wear that tight top, NO, not that KIND of HONESTY!

you know what I mean………I know you do.

Try it at least once today…

’til later then………

Manic Mama’s


Let’s talk about Manic Mothers. Who fits into this slot?

Let’s discuss:

  1. Mother’s who can’t believe no-one loves their kids as much as them. They appear incredulous at your lack of unadulterated adoration.
  2. Mother’s who refrain from speaking to someone else should their viewpoint be different to theirs e.g; about schooling, nappies, breastfeeding, Thrass, Letterland or whatever the frack blows their Kook hairs back…
  3. Mothers that tell continuous, never-ending, shit-boring stories about how fabulous their darlings are.
  4. Mothers that use their kids to write lardy-dar facebook statuses about their children’s current brilliance /SLASH/ charm
  5. Mother’s that stalk teachers. If you phone the teacher more than once a week, YES, you fit into this category
  6. Mother’s that only talk about their kids and NOTHING else.

A.S and M.A.

You two are NOTHING like this. It’s refreshing to speak to you as you have a range of many vast topics. You embrace differences in opinion and ideas in life. Well done. This is a mighty fine achievement. You’ve passed my test and I’ve put in you in the front of my friendship queue. Good on ya gals…..

To the rest of you….try harder please………………

later biatches……

Something deep and truthful….


You know that bitchy term” Get a life?”. Well I seriously think it should apply to most statuses I read on facebook. Most conversations I’ve had in the last few days. Please, I implore you, “Get a Life?”

School is NOT the only conversation I want to have with you. What? Who is copying your products? Get a life! Please. You’re the only one who cares…

It’s the hard fact and hard truth. You’re the only one who cares. Tell me about something meaningful in your life. Something deep and truthful. Something you’re yearning for and afraid to reach out and grab it.

Let me begin.

I’m so terrified I fall pregnant. Excited and terrified at the same time. It’s so difficult to think I might be making another child like Molly. Or making another child like Aidan. I can’t go through all that pyn and leiding again. I’m almost 40 for fuck’s sake. What dumb fuck has a baby at almost 40? Yes, I know, most of my friends and most of Europe! I’m still scared.

I think a spiritual intervention is needed to calm me down and reinforce my faith. You see I’ve prayed for a normal baby. And if you ask God for something, you must have the belief and faith that it will happen.

Oh my hat what have I done? This place where I’m standing, is so terribly frightening.

and very, very brave…