Monthly Archives: September 2012

Dropping two babies from the sky….

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Have decided to go and see my “lady” again, to talk the cerebral palsy thing over, better ways on managing it, and not having any more kids. I think the thing of not having anymore kids has hit me harder than what I imagined. And as Molly gets older things are getting more difficult to deal with.

I realised yesterday that this fear, anger and underlying sadness is from that. I’m grieving over my lost unborn children. You see, I was always supposed to have lots of kids with John. Scores of them. And part of me, still wants to give it a bash. And part of me is struggling to come to terms with it. Like in….hectic struggling.

I always pictured my home with lots of kids, draped, lying, sitting on all my furniture. Jam fingers everywhere, tripping over hockey sticks, cricket bats and their friends running around pulling all my daughters’ pig tails in affection.

The thing is, is that once I’ve made peace with not having anymore kids, I’ll be fine with it. On Monday night when John and I were watching Army Wives and Roxy le Blanc was told that she was expecting twins…..well, you should have seen John’s face. All excited and hopeful. Oi, this is difficult.

Why can’t God drop two little buggers from the sky and label them with my name on them?

The family jewels……..

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Staying at home today and refusing to budge. I’m sending John and Aidan off  to the sale and Molls and I are staying put. I need to be at home and catch up on framing and other chores. The holidays have started and I’m planning to frame and veg as much as possible. I’ll have an afternoon sleep for half an hour everyday at the very least.

Tomorrow we’re off to a 40th in a city 3 hours away. The theme is “Destination”, as in dress up in something that depicts your destination. So I’ve organised John to wear a traditional family kilt(with rods). Rods is another word for jocks, undies, brookes. If it’s a Queen on the throne, then “rods” have to be worn. If it’s a King in power then one can let ones family jewels swing loose. One can air ones bollocks.

Main Entry:
family jewels
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: male testicles
Synonyms: ballocks, balls, cullions, gonads, male genitalia, male genitals, male sex organ, nuts, rocks, testes, testicles

http://thesaurus.com/browse/family+jewels

I plan to wear a lovely flattering (as much as possible) outfit with a tartan scarf. A Scottish lass. So our destination, as I’m sure you’ve summised, will be Scotland. John can carry off the kilt. He has muscular masculine legs. Well, it took me 2 hours yesterday to convince him of that. My chap doesn’t do dress up easily. In fact I had to almost drag him kicking and screaming into Scotland!

Wish us luck. Should be an interesting evening, what with 120 people there and us only knowing about 20 people!

 

A bargain for the hormonal horror…….

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I’m so hormonal today that I could easily have side swiped a few dumb asses on the side of the head…a number of times.

Breathe in and breathe out.

Koek! Vrek! “Jy is die domste drol….fok off!”

On a good note, I bought a darling little dress today for R400. When I got to the till, the cashier must have seen ,my limp hair, my wrinkled tired looking face and thought “shame, let me cheer this bag lady up”.

Guess what? She told me the dress was marked down to 250 good South African Rond! So, of course I did what any girl worth her salt would do….I bought this beautiful summer-ry, yellow and white striped scarf with the balance of the money.

What does it mean? I got the scarf for free! Of COURSE I did!

That cheered me up a little. Still…doesn’t vapourise the daily dimwits I deal with periodically.

Anyway, off to a Stud sale tomorrow. Stud, as in cattle and sheep, and not Stud, as in Earings!

laters baby…..

Fly fishing in Ugie

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A very busy day today, so only a teeny blog post today.

Loved, loved loved the weekend. Had a great time, met new people, saw magnificient scenery, fell in the water and got drenched up to my knickers twice, leopard crawled up and down river banks upteen times. oh, yes, I did catch fish. But flyfishing is SO much more than that!

Here are two photo’s of where we were:

 

 

will post more tomorrow….

laters baby xxx

Fly fishing…..

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And so today I leave for my ladies fly fishing weekend. Very nervous and out of my depth as have never fly-fished before. 4 days and 3 nights away from the kids and John. I’ve shipped my folks up for the weekend to help John with the baby sitting.

Looking forward to thinking about only myself. In fact, not thinking at all. That’s the best part. Just the mountains, the river, the rod, the reel and me.

Restoring my soul. Finding peace and energy in the beautiful surroundings.

God is out there and I need him to find me again. Maybe I need to find him. Either way, I feel so isolated  at the moment. Almost detached from everyone around me.

all the more to look forward to I guess?

as it says in that song: :”the only way is up…..baby

The eviction……..

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Today a bad thing happened. I knew it might, but I had to chance it as only a mother would. I had to give my little girl the chance to take part and enjoy a musical show. So there we sat and she shrieked a few times and made a few guttural sounds with excitement.First song, second song, snickering and turned heads from the other kids to see where the noise was coming from, and then there she was, the female teacher from the Drakensberg Boys Choir, asking me if I could take my child out? Now, before you get all huffy about this, let me make something clear. She said it very nicely and kindly. But it hurt. It still hurt me and I felt humiliated for my Molly and for myself.

I knew she might be noisy, but as a mother I had to expose her to the music. You see it’s all to easy to keep her away from everybody, it’s easier for me. But what about Molly? But I know now, that she can’t do everything other kids do. There are limitations. I discovered that today. It was a lesson I had to go through as her mother. I had to give her a chance too.

Fortunately Seko, Molly’s nanny, and I had discussed a game plan if this did happen and so I looked at Seko, who nodded her head in understanding, and off she toddled with Molls down the stairs. I sat there, childless, a friend who’d joined me earlier had witnessed the expulsion of my noisy cerebral palsy child, promptly burst into tears. Now, I don’t know why, but it FKED me off completely. Who is she to pity my child? How dare she make me feel worse by crying tears of pity? So there I sat, humiliated, feeling bad at Melanie crying next to me, feeling bad for the woman who had the bad luck at having to turf Molly out, angry at God for making me feel like this, angry at Molly for putting me through this, and I sat with bottom lip quivering and eyes welling up with tears. I physically restrained myself from crying, smiled and clapped like mad and enthusiastically at the performance.

You see if I’d cried, everyone around me would have felt bad and it would have been everyone’s day spoiled. Not just mine. So God knows where I drew the strength from. I forced my down-turned lips upwards, concentrated on the performance on stage and by sheer will and determination behaved normally.

Truth be told, I love my child. Molly is my daily blessing. God chose well by making me her mother. I’m strong and I have a sizable pair of balls.  But phew, it’s hard sometimes. It’s hardest to smile at everyone around you while your heart is weeping silently in your chest.

I’m tired now.

Life and all the baggage with it…………..

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This week has been hectic once again. Still no end in sight. My ironing lady burnt herself over the weekend and hasn’t been at work. So Tiffa is doing the ironing and washing with the longest of teeth and a dropped lip.

Life goes on, VAT is due, framing jobs piling up, kids homework to be done, gardening to be done, Molly’s therapy, house to run, staff to sort out and the list goes on and on.

Feel a little out of control. This morning I have to take the kids to a school outing which is lovely but takes up a whole morning of my time. My folks arrive tomorrow afternoon and Friday morning I leave for my fly fishing weekend for 4 days.  I’m looking forward to it but a bit filled with trepidation as I’m totally out my comfort zone.

Oh, for a bit of peace and quiet. And solitude. (by the way, I know one shouldn’t start a sentence with And, but I am a fan of poetry by AA Milne, and well… anything goes.)