Have decided to go and see my “lady” again, to talk the cerebral palsy thing over, better ways on managing it, and not having any more kids. I think the thing of not having anymore kids has hit me harder than what I imagined. And as Molly gets older things are getting more difficult to deal with.
I realised yesterday that this fear, anger and underlying sadness is from that. I’m grieving over my lost unborn children. You see, I was always supposed to have lots of kids with John. Scores of them. And part of me, still wants to give it a bash. And part of me is struggling to come to terms with it. Like in….hectic struggling.
I always pictured my home with lots of kids, draped, lying, sitting on all my furniture. Jam fingers everywhere, tripping over hockey sticks, cricket bats and their friends running around pulling all my daughters’ pig tails in affection.
The thing is, is that once I’ve made peace with not having anymore kids, I’ll be fine with it. On Monday night when John and I were watching Army Wives and Roxy le Blanc was told that she was expecting twins…..well, you should have seen John’s face. All excited and hopeful. Oi, this is difficult.
Why can’t God drop two little buggers from the sky and label them with my name on them?