The musings of a nearly 40 year old….

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I am so chilled this year. In fact, I was thinking last week, perhaps that’s why I’m not writing as much?

I’m chilled and nothing is evoking a response in me? Who knows?

All I know is that I’m not writing as often and I feel happy this year. Life has settled into a steady rhythm. Now, I know enough, to know, that life has a nasty habit of taking a side swipe at you and knocking you off your feet. You know, just for a little bit of shits and giggles. Just to feel a thrill at your gasp of shock as you try to regain your footing again.

It happens to the best of us.

Yes, shit in my life is still going on. Molly is still cerebral palsy and this morning Aidan cried as I dropped him off at school. John and I still argue one minute and then laugh the next. I’m still voluptuous and on a permanent diet.

Yet I feel calm. I can so no if I don’t want to do something. I’ve got rid of my treadmill that sat smirking in my bedroom accusing me of being a loser. That in itself, selling the treadmill, that is, has been liberating. The first thing I saw every morning and the last thing I saw every night was my treadmill.  Unused and making me feel like a failure. Everyday.

The other albatross has been to give up my showroom in a nearby town. I just don’t get there anymore. So giving in my notice on my rental has free-ed me up. No more guilt and feeling of inadequacy.

Maybe it’s turning 40 in a few months time? I don’t know?

I know the world won’t cave in if I’m not involved in something.

You get to a stage in your life, where you think, ‘oh Fuck it’.

Now is the time to face into the sun and just smile.

A simple smile, sometimes, is all you need.

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4 responses »

  1. I found a similar stage when I was 38. Yes life still has problems, mostly caused by PND. But overall I think I am much happier now than i used to be. Could this be one of the advantages of middle age? Because let’s face it – forty is the new thirty!

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