The last few days have had me mulling over something. What makes some people thin and some people fat? Others can eat what they like and others(like me) look at food and gain a few kilograms. Obviously the intake versus excercise, blah blah bladhee blah thiny-ma-jig comes into effect. I KNOW that, so don’t be a wise ass!
But why are some people, like my sisters, born with a gene that makes them more aware of what they eat? I eat now and worry later. Why does it not concern me in the way that it should and in a way that should spur me into action to do something about it? What is that? This issue has concerned me for years. Not the weight issue as much as the nonchalant issue!
Today I put on about 6 different outfits before I went back to the first one I tried on. I still wasn’t happy with the outcome. I felt uncomfortable the whole day and self-conscious. In a nutshell, I let a pair of crappy fitting jeans dictate my opinion about myself and my outlook on the day.
The thing with weight is that it’s an external encumbrance. Out there for the whole world to see. Out for everybody to judge and form an opinion on. It’s not a fragility that is hidden. It’s out there to be whipped and flogged by everybody that cares to. It’s there to fuel my relentless self loathing and to vex me constantly.
Every week I subject myself to failure at my weekly weighing sessions. Sometimes it’s fine and I lose weight, but more often than not, I don’t. What other person takes their personal failure and exposes it to the world for public ridicule? Not many I’m sure…….
Yesterday I finished reading Room. Really great. I sprained my ankle slightly so had an excellent excuse to veg on the bed and I took FULL advantage and read and read whilst the nanny took the kids for a walk with the dogs and the Hans lamb. Most peaceful.
I weighed yesterday morning and STAYED the same. The second week in a row. WTH? Most affronted and bemused about that, I thought Weigh-Lady was going to explode. You see I should be losing at least 1-2kg per week.
Anyhow…am building up the birthday excitement in the house… I think John is quiet fed-up with all my questions and hints. He always takes it in good grace though and panders to all my drama!
It’s unbelievable how much I procrastinate. Truth be told I probably have too many irons in the fire at the moment.
- cerebral palsy child to try stimulate
- 6 old years olds school run and extra murals
- a new business that keeps me quiet busy
- admin and office work for my husband
- sunday school teacher
- school manager for our farm school
- treasurer for our farm school (paperwork immense for the Dept of Ed) and for my son’s school (minimal)
- keep my house and garden in ship-shape (whatever!!!!)
- try to diet and exercise and combat stress and look good and wash my hair and shave my legs( I really hate shaving…I abhor waxing even more)
- book in for facials, pedi’s, mani’s hair etc
- make sure kids and hubby eat healthily
- pay off a flat I’ve just bought recently
- keep up with a killer social life. (farming community’s are always busy)
- these are just a few I’ve mentioned….still more that I can’t think of at the moment)
As soon as I’m stressed out I turn to eating. I was going to say snacking, but it goes beyond a snack sometimes. I have even memorised the sound of the creaking fridge door and the muffled snap, as it closes! I know that sound soooooooooooooooo well.
We’re all so hard on ourselves. Especially if we don’t achieve something. I’m especially hard on myself. I lost 1.6kg’s this week. Instead of feeling happy about it, I’ve continuously berated myself the whole week because I have so many kg’s still to go. Still such a looooooooooooong road ahead of me. So what…. enjoy each bite that you eat. Live it up. That’s what I think anyway….